Is it perversity of my part to persist in making these intense little drawings, of whose artistic merit I am undecided? I know that my partner, M, prefers the supernova remnant drawings and views the grid drawings as something I do to pass the hours and soothe my mind. It is true that colouring in one hundred and sixty nine little squares is a calming activity, and it does indeed fulfill my need to be engaged in an act of creation. If only I knew! Both Agnes Martin and Anne Truitt persisted in their work of creating abstract works which sometimes found no favour in the eyes of an audience. I am by no means aligning myself alongside these two significant artists in terms of my prowess, but their example lends me courage to continue in my own endeavour.
It is a fine, blowy afternoon. The breeze sets the tall yellow daisies dancing, blows the thin wisps of hair that frame my face across the field of my vision. I have taken my notebook into the garden to finish the grid drawing that I began much earlier in the day, and so sit with Minos, who requests my attention every now and then by giving gentle utterance. The bench where we sit is shaded by the cotoneaster, dappled with sunlight, the moving air is refreshing without chilling.
All the while that I am drawing the question posed above flickers through my mind. Am I truly obsessed, am I following a genuine path to growth, or stumbling through the underbrush? It is impossible to know, and difficult to keep the faith. I only have scattered comments with which to shore up my fragile confidence. I know that the person whose judgement I have come to trust, the person who frames my drawings when I am able to have them framed, likes them. My great friend L said they were beautiful; she said it twice, and although I remember changing the subject quickly, I also remember the glow of pleasure that her words engendered within me. I gave one of the drawings, entitled 'my sister's harlequin slippers', to one of my sisters for her birthday, as she had admired it. These three persons, whom I believe to have discernemnt, are those for whom I continue to make the drawings, in the hopes that perhaps one day they might find and enjoy a wider audience.
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